This is midway point for us interns. Three months of intensive work and we have survived half of it – cheers. I feel good about breaking down last Saturday evening in my cabin (all to myself). I could get upset about not being strong enough to handle all of this but please, this is not a normal situation. On a daily basis, I learn something new about myself, whether it be that I am a light sleeper or it goes deeper than that to caring too much what others might think about who I am, what I do, where I’m from and how hard I’m working. No matter how difficult it gets though, I know this is a chance of a lifetime and only those come with learning opportunities and growing moments. Anything that makes me upset or uncomfortable is something inside of me, trying to break free of whatever garbage I had piled upon it. I will let it out and I will put it behind me.
On possibly a lighter, yet still quite heavy note – what am I doing with my life again? This has become such a ridiculously annoying question that practically everyone here is struggling with. However, what I use to envy as freedom and flexibility of living a single, young life, where moving to New York City is possible – I don’t quite drool over it as much and am thankful for my own limitations of staying in California. At 24, stability is much to be thankful for. Even before I came to The Pillow, I was settled on working with video. Video in dance would be my ultimate goal but since I don’t have a degree in film and in this society, we are pretty much told we can’t live out our dreams, I was not picky. The problem is or might not even be, I’m still unsure as to how to proceed after my time here. I have wonderfully talented people I will already be working with when I get home but all I know is the time is now to do what I want. I refuse to get stuck into the same pity party I experienced after college. It is time for full throttle.
Things I know: I love post production work so, editing. I could edit anything – it doesn’t have to be dance (as in I would enjoy editing anything, not like I think I could actually edit anything). I would really like to own my own business or continue to do contract/freelance work. I want to offer photography as one of my services. I need camera equipment.
That last sentence – it kills. I own an old school DSLR that has no video capability. So the trouble is this (in two parts): 1. Now that I know what I want to do, which is work with video in some capacity, what do I purchase (if I can afford it)? A DSLR with video capability so that I can do both video and photography? Yet, shooting with that piece of equipment will not be ideal for documenting dance. Or do I go with something like the Sony EX1/3, Black Magic, etc. but not have a new camera and just focus on documentation? 2. Do I want to film just dance? Or should I broaden my scope since I feel as though it would be more difficult to “make it” just shooting dance? Do I want to do weddings? ::cough::notreally::cough:: Or do I want to just get a job shooting/editing period since I love both of those things, even without the dance?
It is funny how I finally came to realization of what I want to focus on and somehow, I made it complicated after the fact. On the contrary, it is important to keep a narrow focus so that it does actually come to fruition. Right? Suuure.
Always things to think about. I struggle with whether to focus on the future, here. This place is surreal and amazing and everything I could have wished for and more. You have to be in the moment to even survive but we all know the clock is ticking and our time will be up soon enough.
Update: I believe I will be researching cameras for documentation/artistic work, instead of going with a DSLR. I am here for video and am focused on video. Maybe someday I can work photography back in that equation. #bambam