Midway Point

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This is midway point for us interns. Three months of intensive work and we have survived half of it – cheers. I feel good about breaking down last Saturday evening in my cabin (all to myself). I could get upset about not being strong enough to handle all of this but please, this is not a normal situation. On a daily basis, I learn something new about myself, whether it be that I am a light sleeper or it goes deeper than that to caring too much what others might think about who I am, what I do, where I’m from and how hard I’m working. No matter how difficult it gets though, I know this is a chance of a lifetime and only those come with learning opportunities and growing moments. Anything that makes me upset or uncomfortable is something inside of me, trying to break free of whatever garbage I had piled upon it. I will let it out and I will put it behind me.

On possibly a lighter, yet still quite heavy note – what am I doing with my life again? This has become such a ridiculously annoying question that practically everyone here is struggling with. However, what I use to envy as freedom and flexibility of living a single, young life, where moving to New York City is possible – I don’t quite drool over it as much and am thankful for my own limitations of staying in California. At 24, stability is much to be thankful for. Even before I came to The Pillow, I was settled on working with video. Video in dance would be my ultimate goal but since I don’t have a degree in film and in this society, we are pretty much told we can’t live out our dreams, I was not picky. The problem is or might not even be, I’m still unsure as to how to proceed after my time here. I have wonderfully talented people I will already be working with when I get home but all I know is the time is now to do what I want. I refuse to get stuck into the same pity party I experienced after college. It is time for full throttle.

Things I know: I love post production work so, editing. I could edit anything – it doesn’t have to be dance (as in I would enjoy editing anything, not like I think I could actually edit anything). I would really like to own my own business or continue to do contract/freelance work. I want to offer photography as one of my services. I need camera equipment.

That last sentence – it kills. I own an old school DSLR that has no video capability. So the trouble is this (in two parts): 1. Now that I know what I want to do, which is work with video in some capacity, what do I purchase (if I can afford it)? A DSLR with video capability so that I can do both video and photography? Yet, shooting with that piece of equipment will not be ideal for documenting dance. Or do I go with something like the Sony EX1/3, Black Magic, etc. but not have a new camera and just focus on documentation? 2. Do I want to film just dance? Or should I broaden my scope since I feel as though it would be more difficult to “make it” just shooting dance? Do I want to do weddings? ::cough::notreally::cough:: Or do I want to just get a job shooting/editing period since I love both of those things, even without the dance?

It is funny how I finally came to realization of what I want to focus on and somehow, I made it complicated after the fact. On the contrary, it is important to keep a narrow focus so that it does actually come to fruition. Right? Suuure.

Always things to think about. I struggle with whether to focus on the future, here. This place is surreal and amazing and everything I could have wished for and more. You have to be in the moment to even survive but we all know the clock is ticking and our time will be up soon enough.

Still image from independent video project

 

Update: I believe I will be researching cameras for documentation/artistic work, instead of going with a DSLR. I am here for video and am focused on video. Maybe someday I can work photography back in that equation. #bambam

I Dream in Circa

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I think I finally have this thing called life figured out. And yet, I’m still remaining flexible in the fact that I know a curve ball can be thrown my way at any moment. Determined but flexible.

It is a little over a month into my internship here at Jacob’s Pillow Dance Festival 2012 and I still can not even believe I am here. Any time I have a second to just take a deep breath outside (when I’m not in the basement of video land), I think of how I am involved in something historical and so grand that my heart aches at the thought of it not being a part of my life. This place is addictive. And how cool is it that I am doing something I love here as well? I’m not pushing around papers, I am filming dance companies from around the world.

I shared with my video team last week that when I used to watch dance performances and when it truly evoked emotion from me, I often felt a wave of sadness afterwards thinking that I should be involved in something like that – I should be dancing or choreographing or just something instead of dreaming about it. Once I settled on video, I thought that maybe I would still feel that familiar twinge of nostalgia but nope. I am able to enjoy the performance while there is a screen between myself and the stage. Hell, I even sometimes feel like I am on that stage with them, moving back and forth, up and down. I finally feel like I have a place in all of this and that, my friends, is vital to my survival in this world. And I won’t ever forget the people who got me here in the first place. Thank you, again and again, for placing your trust in my hands.

On a less profound, but possibly even more exciting note – I got to watch two companies yesterday. Oh yea, video gets to watch all performances before they film them. Mimulus and Circa are both here for Week 1 and both are incredible companies. I have an urge to discuss Circa, however. They come from Brisbane, Australia and in our program are described as “a bold new vision of contemporary circus.” I had seen some excerpts of their work online and at our Gala performance but I was honestly afraid it was only going to be cool, acrobatic movement that I was going to ooh and ahh at but not feel anything past the surface. Foot -> mouth. Ella Baff, the Executive and Artistic Director of Jacob’s Pillow, is known for always saying “Let’s dance” before a show begins. This time she said “Let’s dance…sort of.”I must say, these individuals are true movers. There is no question whether this is dance to me or not. Of course, their strength (literally) lies in acrobatics which entails climbing on top of one another (I think three people was the highest they went standing straight up), flips, a lot of weight sharing and well, things I could never ever do myself. But this performance was so well laid out – combining actual choreography, not just “tricks,” projections, good, feel it in your bones music and it touched on several different emotions including hilarity, anxiousness (oh shit, is she going to fall?), excitement, and well, pure awe in the beauty of it all. It was a complete package and I felt entirely satisfied after watching those fantastic dancers move about the stage. Not to mention, Doris Duke is the perfect venue for such a thrilling show, being such an intimate space.

Tonight we will be filming Circa’s performance with a 3 camera shoot and I can not wait.

 

Tickets are only $35 which equates to a damn good bottle of wine. But really, Circa’s performance will leave you far better off at the end of the night than a really expensive bottle of red and bonus – without the hangover the next day.

http://jacobspillow.org/festival/events/ticketed-performances/

Adapting

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I recently read another entertaining, yet interesting article on Thought Catalog. The title of this particular piece was called How To Become The Person You Want To Be. Still being a twenty something, how could I not read this?

Let me just say that I really like this website because I find a lot of writers, similar to myself, who write in a style that is close to streams of consciousness. Although it might not be the easiest to read or understand for some, everything makes perfect sense to moi. Secondly, the material is raw, as being submitted by basically anyone, which has its cons for sure but also is a pro in the way that the material isn’t edited to meet anyone else’s standards. Enter this piece of writing:

“This is how someone becomes the person they want to be. They make changes. They stop taking those pills, clutching those drinks, and start deleting those numbers in their phone that might as well be daggers. They take responsibility for themselves. This might sound so minor but something you all must know by now is that we’re often our own worst enemy. We can’t blame something on a lack of self-awareness. We’re all aware, which makes it that much harder when we see ourselves making the same mistakes. We often wonder why we do the things we do. But we already know why. Knowing and doing are two different things though. I know that x, y, and z make me unhappy but I guess, in the end, I just don’t care enough to make changes. You can’t force yourself to care. You need to reach a point where you DO care which can take a long time.”

Yes, Ryan O’Connell (author), it does take a long time. For me, not including the lost years where I didn’t think about the future too much, it took about a year to firmly plant my two feet back onto the ground. And now, now I am ready to run – or maybe jog, or walk briskly since I’m not a runner. My last post on here was about how I might, just might, have a problem with drinking (even now I won’t say drinking problem). I was not getting wasted every day and I wasn’t choosing booze over say, my spouse. I was never an alcoholic. But I was looking to relieve stress in a glass of wine and I was enjoying a whole bottle to myself while watching Mad Men re-runs a little too often. Maybe it wasn’t the habit as so much as what the habit caused, my drunken train of thought, that really made me snap out of it. It is about a month after posting those words that I rarely have even had a glass of wine with dinner, not to say I won’t ever be enjoying said beverages again or probably won’t get a little tipsy here and there. But the big change is that I no longer feel confused or conflicted. I have accepted my reality of being married, living in California, being graduated from college (finally got the degree in the mail, woohoo!) and the fact that I just might like children and will have some eventually.

Probably the most life changing (other than those minor changes – ha) is that I have found a focus. Not a focus on my marriage, my husband, my dog, my family or anyone else/thing but a focus on myself. I supported and watched my husband accomplish one of his dreams of being in law enforcement and now I believe it is my turn. I love dance and I love video. I have had amazing supporters, mentors, teachers and guides who put their faith in me and helped me get to where I am now. With that said, I applied to two summer dance festivals for internships. You would think an internship is only for those in college who need that credit but for me, I need an opportunity to not only learn more about my new found career choice but also an environment that will help me flourish. And it has been my honor to accept a video documentation internship at Jacob’s Pillow Summer Dance Festival 2012. Anyone who is in the dance field knows how important this is and if you don’t, Google it.  Although I have had so much support in the past and have had so many other opportunities, this specific one really hit hard with me. It is incredible that I was even selected and more so that I am finally seeing a future for myself specifically happening. All I can say is hard work eventually pays off and staying true to yourself and what you love is key. I am so thankful I didn’t have to work the boring 8 to 5 that I hated and I get to be one of those people who will be doing what they are passionate about.

It’s about time I have my feet back on the ground and my head is finally clear and free of all that confusing garbage that was only hindering me. And this time, it will stick. Cheers to becoming the person you want to be.